Hi ladies, let me share with you a funny story of a friend of my neighbor, it’s gonna be very detailed since they are close friend and luckily me and my neighbor are also close friends. (Sorry I can’t disclose her name so I would use “S” instead.)
“S” divorced her husband because he’s an addict and hadn’t worked in 4 years and was spending them into the ground. He’d also told her fat out that he’d “quit trying to quit.” He had also gotten into trouble several times for stealing his drug of choice, and was charge with a felony for his 3rd strike. He’s on probation.
He came to town in Nov. and stayed with me for 3 weeks, even though “S” kicked him out after two weeks. They had sex a couple times then, and they actually had some of the conversations they needed to have during the divorce process. “S” finally asked her husband’s mom to help her pay for a bus ticket back to Iowa so that “S” could get him OUT of her house! His mom was kind of mean about it with him and he’s pretty much cut off all contact with his mom. He had done the same to “S” before Nov.
(I like this pic! hehe)
He started dating a girl the beginning of Jan and it threw “S” because they were having sex. He’s the only man “S” has ever been with, and it just made everything feel so FINAL, even though “S” know she doesn’t want to be married to him again (the 3rd weeks in Nov. solidified that nothing had really changed.). ”S” looked at the girl’s pic on Facebook and of course started having all kinds of thoughts. Finally, “S” had to block her husband on facebook because “S” was being all obsessive, checking to see if he’d talked about the girl or posted pics, etc.
He came to town for his probation yesterday and brought his “new” girlfriend. He came by to get his stuff, but said he would have to wait til today to get it because he had to go back to the courthouse today. “S” ased if he could please come in and look at her furnace that’s been acting weird.
You might think “S” was a total weirdo, but it was actually really good to her to have her ex and the girlfriend there last night. First, when he’s here “S” thought he felt so grateful that he goes out of his way to be helpful. He swept all the kitty litter/mud off the steps, and “S” think the rain washed the rest away. He fixed the heater (a spider had built a nest in one of the gas tubes) and when he was down there discovered the sump pump was broken. He went and traded in for a new one (yay warrenty) and spent a couple hours putting it in, which included having to suck out all the water before replacing it. He said he added salt to the water softener, and while he was down there cleaned the old laundry room, which “S” must admit she’d left a mess.
But better than that, “S” got to see what kind of a woman the girlfriend is. She’s got tons of baggage, and has been to Al Anon with one of her ex-husband’s problems. (she’s twice married) So she’s dumb enough to get together with a sweet guy who isn’t 100% sober. She doesn’t have a job, had gone back to college but can’t go right now because she’s on academic probation. She’s not a Christian, and right now lives with a gay friend and her partner. But this GF has to move in a couple weeks because the gay couple is becoming a foster family and she can’t live there. She’s overweight, and she’s just as bossy as “S” ever was! (I’m VERY overweight, so she’s smaller than me) Her voice would drive one nuts to be around all the time. She does have a cochlear implant and has to look at your lips when you talk. So it’s not as hard communicating as I thought. And she calls him MICHAEL (the ex-husband of ”S”)! No one ever calls him Michael except for offices that only see it as his legal name. So to “S” it sounded kind of condescending, like a mom to a child. Speaking of, she has 2 kids that are 20 and 22. She’s a mom who has had to think of others, not just herself like my ex. She was on top of things and brought a cooler of food that she said she could heat up in a gas station microwave if needed.
She’s kind of pretty as “S” said, but “S” is NOT jealous of her. “S” doesn’t feel like he “traded up.” LOL With all that “S” has seen, she doubted it will last all the long. He is working now and has a car, but if the dating girl wants a semi-sober, manic depressive guy on probation, she can have him.
And “S” ended up letting them stay at the house. Her ex said he would make other arrangements, but I guess “S” didn’t want them because the alternate arrangements were to sleep in the car. ”S” couldn’t literally send them out in the storm to sleep in the car. The girl slept in the guest room and him on the couch…
Actually this is just part of the story, but what I want to point out is that it’s not that necessary for us to try to “keep track of everything” and in the end just making ourselves further disappointed. Instead, we should learn how to truly forgive and communicate generously with our ex-husbands. This way things will become easier and even if it still fails, I promise your next relationship will be way better than any one of those you had.